Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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