the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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