a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
