I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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