He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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