Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
