Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
