Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
