if i can run in heels then i can drive
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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