85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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