a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
