im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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