i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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