Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
my liver is dry heaving
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
