There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
