I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
