Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
