so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
