I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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