we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
