In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
