toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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