Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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