why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
