Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
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getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
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There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.