handjob tips. give me some.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
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I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
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If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.