Do you still have your period?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
