At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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