i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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