and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
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She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
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Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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