I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
