my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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