I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
