I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
