Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
