i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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