he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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