K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
