census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's shark week go big or go home
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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