i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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