My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
