Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
