??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
