Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
