Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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