never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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