It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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