Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
