Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
