It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
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Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
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I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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