I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
