So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
