genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
