You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
