Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
