Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
