i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
